I'm going to be putting up several entries shortly. I wrote them when I was in Japan but couldn't bring myself to publish them. Reading them over, I am struck by the frank despair and emotional turmoil they exude.
I know I'm apparently expected to be "positive" on these blog thingies, but I'm seriously not even going to TRY to mask over the shit I endured there. Understand, I was in the middle of a 15-month depressive episode that could easily have killed me (I used to go into the kitchen at night and try to drive knives into my wrists, too damn bad they were too dull because otherwise you might believe me).
I remember these days as living under a grey mist of bleak despair. If you have ever flown through a storm, this is how it felt--grey, melancholy, uncertain. I literally did not experience one good thing during this time--and with that assertion, I expect the same outcry I got when I tried to explain my feelings on psych forums..."just look for the positive!"; "I don't want to hear all this negativity, plenty of good things are happening in your life"; "And I was depressed in high school, get over it".
So don't even try that. DON'T. EVEN. TRY. I've heard it all, and if you're seriously going to try, all I can say is you're a hell of a privileged little shit to even be able to THINK those kinds of thoughts. I've endured more than you ever will, and you hold no moral superiority over me, so take your positive thinking and shove it up your ass next to your head and kindly pass enough methane gas to suffocate yourself.
Because I strongly believe in presenting the truth of my experience, I will publish these entires, backdated, no matter how pathetic...and you can read about them here.
In rough chronological order...
- Part I: A Long, Angry Preamble
- Part II: Arriving in Japan
- Part III: Depression
- Part IV: LOL Dork
- Part V: The Psychopath
- Part VI: The Toll TEFL Takes
I know I'm apparently expected to be "positive" on these blog thingies, but I'm seriously not even going to TRY to mask over the shit I endured there. Understand, I was in the middle of a 15-month depressive episode that could easily have killed me (I used to go into the kitchen at night and try to drive knives into my wrists, too damn bad they were too dull because otherwise you might believe me).
I remember these days as living under a grey mist of bleak despair. If you have ever flown through a storm, this is how it felt--grey, melancholy, uncertain. I literally did not experience one good thing during this time--and with that assertion, I expect the same outcry I got when I tried to explain my feelings on psych forums..."just look for the positive!"; "I don't want to hear all this negativity, plenty of good things are happening in your life"; "And I was depressed in high school, get over it".
So don't even try that. DON'T. EVEN. TRY. I've heard it all, and if you're seriously going to try, all I can say is you're a hell of a privileged little shit to even be able to THINK those kinds of thoughts. I've endured more than you ever will, and you hold no moral superiority over me, so take your positive thinking and shove it up your ass next to your head and kindly pass enough methane gas to suffocate yourself.
Because I strongly believe in presenting the truth of my experience, I will publish these entires, backdated, no matter how pathetic...and you can read about them here.
In rough chronological order...
- Part I: A Long, Angry Preamble
- Part II: Arriving in Japan
- Part III: Depression
- Part IV: LOL Dork
- Part V: The Psychopath
- Part VI: The Toll TEFL Takes
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