I've been backdating entries all day (I'm writing this about 2 years after the fact, trying to get my life back in order...sigh).
Well, I just don't feel like saying much. Partly this is because I'm tired. Partly this is because this was...well, a very Dark Time in my life and recalling it is emotional, and emotionally draining. Perhaps cathartic...but these are things I'd sooner forget.
I just want to say that TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) is probably one of the most degrading, abusive jobs one can have, aside from being literally forced into bondage. I don't want to bitch, but that's just what my experience has taught me. I was warned years ago before I started, and I can only corroborate it. For this reason, I am hoping to get out of this endless mill of language prostitution (more later).
Just, if you're a prospective English teacher, a bright and perky youngster who wants to see the world--as I once was--just know what you're getting into.
Yes, it has it's bright side--you do get to travel, to meet like-minded people, possibly to even impact lives for the better. There are people who've build entire careers out of it, who love it despite its flaws.
But let me tell you something about me. I was once considered intelligent. I was considered to be a young person with a bright future. I was considered a prodigy by many of my professors, a solid worker by my bosses, a fiery woman by the odd admirer. I thought of myself as being supremely competent, a top-notch employee, a hard worker, a smart person.
I don't believe this was just the arrogance of youth talking, or the "wobegone effect"--I really was willing and able to apply myself, and I had a strong but realistic sense of my own capabilities. And people commented on them, I don't think just to give me a false sense of pride.
Before you roll your eyes too much, I'll just add that if you consider yourself to be smart, reliable, and competent, TEFL will almost certainly wrest that away from you if you stay long enough.
Understand, you're an expendable talking head. In many countries, the fact that you have white skin is all that matters, and you WILL be paraded around as a marketing tool. You have to smile like an idiot and give a hyper-enthusiastic "HELLO!!! :D". If you enjoy performing, this might be right for you, I don't know. I personally can't stand it.
Probably Cambodia was the country where I was accorded the most respect--of all places. And if you look back, I've written about my frustrations there, too.
But likewise, since I'm getting out all my resentment against Japan today, I certainly must tell you that it was there I ran into the most disrespectful attitudes and arbitrary treatment.
The Japanese are the master race, and they know it (I say this without bitterness!). And consequently, even foreigners there feel compelled to conform to the Japanese Way--even when interacting solely with other foreigners. I've said that in an earlier entry; well not only did they keep whacking me for my physical appearance, they whacked me for my basic competency as well.
They'd set me up to fail, demanding I be at a certain location at a certain time and then refusing to give me any information on it. Things like that.
I remember one time I was asked to work on the central database--so I went in, and they told me to sit down and wait till I was called. Without any training whatsoever, they put me in front of the computer screen and told me to "improve" it.
Well this project was supposed to last a couple of weeks, but instead I got myself fired.
They tried to insist I didn't do quality work and showed up late, when in fact they had ushered me into a room for ten minutes prior to beginning and hardly explained to me what quality work even was. No one gave me instructions about leaving either, so when I was finished, I just left. They got on my case for that too ("leaving early"), as well as some of the notations I used (eg, there was total gibberish at one point so I was like, wtf? And they poured molten lead over me for that--despite the fact that that isn't even a bad word and was on a private database to be reviewed by my superior, who insisted it was really alright and then fired me behind my back).
That's right, they fired me behind my back without even so much as giving me a chance to explain my point of view--I think that's rather sickening. By all means yell at me for my lack of professionality, but ffs, don't go behind my back. (For all it's faults, I cannot say I was ever treated that high-handedly by Cambodia; simply, the Japanese are so affluent they no longer understand what's really important). The final indignity came when they made me do it all over again, unpaid, even though I was fired...I was strongly--VERY strongly--tempted to march out on the job that very moment.
Again, you're welcome to tell me my employer is right and I'm wrong, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD set up your damn parameters before we begin.
In China, my supportive American manager suddenly started blaming me and telling me I was a shitty employee when I got food poisoning one time, when I first started and wasn't even aware of the scheduling system, and when they put me so far from campus I had to take taxis, which sometimes never drove past my remote location.
Like they set you up to fail, and then hold you accountable. I consider this a form of abuse--perhaps not what an enslaved plantation worker would deal with, but smaller indiginities that constantly wear you down psychologically.
Note, these were all Westerners involved in these rather arbitrary and arrogant decisions. Wannabe otaku westerners who've been in TEFL so long it's robbed them of their souls, dignity, reason, and any sense of fairness they may once have had.
At the end of 5 years in TEFL, I feel like an incompetent slacker, a human cockroach eking out a marginal living. I can't take my employers seriously anymore since clearly they never take me seriously; I can't even take human society seriously anymore. I consider my intelligence to be below average, and am deadly certain that everything prior bosses and instructors raved about in me was mere formality. I no longer believe I have anything to offer the world.
In short, I no longer believe in myself. I've become a haggard, useless, middle-aged woman who has long ago accepted her rightful place at the bottom of human society.
And that's what this job can do to you if you're not careful.
I'm not writing out of self-pity. I'm writing to avenge myself, and because I hope this message will get through to the right people at the right time.
My final piece of advice is, Just don't be part of the problem, guys. Avoid TEFL and ffs, if you happen to be a manager in a TEFL-oriented institute, or ever become one, think twice about what you're doing to people. Not everyone in TEFL has the happiest of circumstances, as perhaps this blog is testament to.
Manager, please think twice before you turn on an employee who you think has done something wrong or give them a condescending lecture (I mean LISTEN to yourself)--it's just as likely you're a miserable arbitrary soulless little lapdog for exploitative powers.
And that is something even worse than what I've become.
(Backdated on 20 April 2017)
Well, I just don't feel like saying much. Partly this is because I'm tired. Partly this is because this was...well, a very Dark Time in my life and recalling it is emotional, and emotionally draining. Perhaps cathartic...but these are things I'd sooner forget.
I just want to say that TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) is probably one of the most degrading, abusive jobs one can have, aside from being literally forced into bondage. I don't want to bitch, but that's just what my experience has taught me. I was warned years ago before I started, and I can only corroborate it. For this reason, I am hoping to get out of this endless mill of language prostitution (more later).
Just, if you're a prospective English teacher, a bright and perky youngster who wants to see the world--as I once was--just know what you're getting into.
Yes, it has it's bright side--you do get to travel, to meet like-minded people, possibly to even impact lives for the better. There are people who've build entire careers out of it, who love it despite its flaws.
But let me tell you something about me. I was once considered intelligent. I was considered to be a young person with a bright future. I was considered a prodigy by many of my professors, a solid worker by my bosses, a fiery woman by the odd admirer. I thought of myself as being supremely competent, a top-notch employee, a hard worker, a smart person.
I don't believe this was just the arrogance of youth talking, or the "wobegone effect"--I really was willing and able to apply myself, and I had a strong but realistic sense of my own capabilities. And people commented on them, I don't think just to give me a false sense of pride.
Before you roll your eyes too much, I'll just add that if you consider yourself to be smart, reliable, and competent, TEFL will almost certainly wrest that away from you if you stay long enough.
Understand, you're an expendable talking head. In many countries, the fact that you have white skin is all that matters, and you WILL be paraded around as a marketing tool. You have to smile like an idiot and give a hyper-enthusiastic "HELLO!!! :D". If you enjoy performing, this might be right for you, I don't know. I personally can't stand it.
Probably Cambodia was the country where I was accorded the most respect--of all places. And if you look back, I've written about my frustrations there, too.
But likewise, since I'm getting out all my resentment against Japan today, I certainly must tell you that it was there I ran into the most disrespectful attitudes and arbitrary treatment.
The Japanese are the master race, and they know it (I say this without bitterness!). And consequently, even foreigners there feel compelled to conform to the Japanese Way--even when interacting solely with other foreigners. I've said that in an earlier entry; well not only did they keep whacking me for my physical appearance, they whacked me for my basic competency as well.
They'd set me up to fail, demanding I be at a certain location at a certain time and then refusing to give me any information on it. Things like that.
I remember one time I was asked to work on the central database--so I went in, and they told me to sit down and wait till I was called. Without any training whatsoever, they put me in front of the computer screen and told me to "improve" it.
Well this project was supposed to last a couple of weeks, but instead I got myself fired.
They tried to insist I didn't do quality work and showed up late, when in fact they had ushered me into a room for ten minutes prior to beginning and hardly explained to me what quality work even was. No one gave me instructions about leaving either, so when I was finished, I just left. They got on my case for that too ("leaving early"), as well as some of the notations I used (eg, there was total gibberish at one point so I was like, wtf? And they poured molten lead over me for that--despite the fact that that isn't even a bad word and was on a private database to be reviewed by my superior, who insisted it was really alright and then fired me behind my back).
That's right, they fired me behind my back without even so much as giving me a chance to explain my point of view--I think that's rather sickening. By all means yell at me for my lack of professionality, but ffs, don't go behind my back. (For all it's faults, I cannot say I was ever treated that high-handedly by Cambodia; simply, the Japanese are so affluent they no longer understand what's really important). The final indignity came when they made me do it all over again, unpaid, even though I was fired...I was strongly--VERY strongly--tempted to march out on the job that very moment.
Again, you're welcome to tell me my employer is right and I'm wrong, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD set up your damn parameters before we begin.
In China, my supportive American manager suddenly started blaming me and telling me I was a shitty employee when I got food poisoning one time, when I first started and wasn't even aware of the scheduling system, and when they put me so far from campus I had to take taxis, which sometimes never drove past my remote location.
Like they set you up to fail, and then hold you accountable. I consider this a form of abuse--perhaps not what an enslaved plantation worker would deal with, but smaller indiginities that constantly wear you down psychologically.
Note, these were all Westerners involved in these rather arbitrary and arrogant decisions. Wannabe otaku westerners who've been in TEFL so long it's robbed them of their souls, dignity, reason, and any sense of fairness they may once have had.
At the end of 5 years in TEFL, I feel like an incompetent slacker, a human cockroach eking out a marginal living. I can't take my employers seriously anymore since clearly they never take me seriously; I can't even take human society seriously anymore. I consider my intelligence to be below average, and am deadly certain that everything prior bosses and instructors raved about in me was mere formality. I no longer believe I have anything to offer the world.
In short, I no longer believe in myself. I've become a haggard, useless, middle-aged woman who has long ago accepted her rightful place at the bottom of human society.
And that's what this job can do to you if you're not careful.
I'm not writing out of self-pity. I'm writing to avenge myself, and because I hope this message will get through to the right people at the right time.
My final piece of advice is, Just don't be part of the problem, guys. Avoid TEFL and ffs, if you happen to be a manager in a TEFL-oriented institute, or ever become one, think twice about what you're doing to people. Not everyone in TEFL has the happiest of circumstances, as perhaps this blog is testament to.
Manager, please think twice before you turn on an employee who you think has done something wrong or give them a condescending lecture (I mean LISTEN to yourself)--it's just as likely you're a miserable arbitrary soulless little lapdog for exploitative powers.
And that is something even worse than what I've become.
(Backdated on 20 April 2017)
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