The Dark Time VI: Typical TELF Indignities, and the Toll They Take (2014-2015)

I've been backdating entries all day (I'm writing this about 2 years after the fact, trying to get my life back in order...sigh).

Well, I just don't feel like saying much.  Partly this is because I'm tired.  Partly this is because this was...well, a very Dark Time in my life and recalling it is emotional, and emotionally draining.  Perhaps cathartic...but these are things I'd sooner forget.

I just want to say that TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) is probably one of the most degrading, abusive jobs one can have, aside from being literally forced into bondage.  I don't want to bitch, but that's just what my experience has taught me.  I was warned years ago before I started, and I can only corroborate it.  For this reason, I am hoping to get out of this endless mill of language prostitution (more later).

Just, if you're a prospective English teacher, a bright and perky youngster who wants to see the world--as I once was--just know what you're getting into.

Yes, it has it's bright side--you do get to travel, to meet like-minded people, possibly to even impact lives for the better.  There are people who've build entire careers out of it, who love it despite its flaws.

But let me tell you something about me.  I was once considered intelligent.  I was considered to be a young person with a bright future.  I was considered a prodigy by many of my professors, a solid worker by my bosses, a fiery woman by the odd admirer.  I thought of myself as being supremely competent, a top-notch employee, a hard worker, a smart person.

I don't believe this was just the arrogance of youth talking, or the "wobegone effect"--I really was willing and able to apply myself, and I had a strong but realistic sense of my own capabilities.  And people commented on them, I don't think just to give me a false sense of pride.

Before you roll your eyes too much, I'll just add that if you consider yourself to be smart, reliable, and competent, TEFL will almost certainly wrest that away from you if you stay long enough.

Understand, you're an expendable talking head.  In many countries, the fact that you have white skin is all that matters, and you WILL be paraded around as a marketing tool.  You have to smile like an idiot and give a hyper-enthusiastic "HELLO!!! :D".  If you enjoy performing, this might be right for you, I don't know.  I personally can't stand it.

Probably Cambodia was the country where I was accorded the most respect--of all places.  And if you look back, I've written about my frustrations there, too.

But likewise, since I'm getting out all my resentment against Japan today, I certainly must tell you that it was there I ran into the most disrespectful attitudes and arbitrary treatment.

The Japanese are the master race, and they know it (I say this without bitterness!).  And consequently, even foreigners there feel compelled to conform to the Japanese Way--even when interacting solely with other foreigners.  I've said that in an earlier entry; well not only did they keep whacking me for my physical appearance, they whacked me for my basic competency as well.

They'd set me up to fail, demanding I be at a certain location at a certain time and then refusing to give me any information on it.  Things like that.

I remember one time I was asked to work on the central database--so I went in, and they told me to sit down and wait till I was called.  Without any training whatsoever, they put me in front of the computer screen and told me to "improve" it.

Well this project was supposed to last a couple of weeks, but instead I got myself fired.

They tried to insist I didn't do quality work and showed up late, when in fact they had ushered me into a room for ten minutes prior to beginning and hardly explained to me what quality work even was.  No one gave me instructions about leaving either, so when I was finished, I just left.  They got on my case for that too ("leaving early"), as well as some of the notations I used (eg, there was total gibberish at one point so I was like, wtf?  And they poured molten lead over me for that--despite the fact that that isn't even a bad word and was on a private database to be reviewed by my superior, who insisted it was really alright and then fired me behind my back).

That's right, they fired me behind my back without even so much as giving me a chance to explain my point of view--I think that's rather sickening.  By all means yell at me for my lack of professionality, but ffs, don't go behind my back.  (For all it's faults, I cannot say I was ever treated that high-handedly by Cambodia; simply, the Japanese are so affluent they no longer understand what's really important).  The final indignity came when they made me do it all over again, unpaid, even though I was fired...I was strongly--VERY strongly--tempted to march out on the job that very moment.

Again, you're welcome to tell me my employer is right and I'm wrong, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD set up your damn parameters before we begin.

In China, my supportive American manager suddenly started blaming me and telling me I was a shitty employee when I got food poisoning one time, when I first started and wasn't even aware of the scheduling system, and when they put me so far from campus I had to take taxis, which sometimes never drove past my remote location.

Like they set you up to fail, and then hold you accountable.  I consider this a form of abuse--perhaps not what an enslaved plantation worker would deal with, but smaller indiginities that constantly wear you down psychologically.

Note, these were all Westerners involved in these rather arbitrary and arrogant decisions.  Wannabe otaku westerners who've been in TEFL so long it's robbed them of their souls, dignity, reason, and any sense of fairness they may once have had.

At the end of 5 years in TEFL, I feel like an incompetent slacker, a human cockroach eking out a marginal living.  I can't take my employers seriously anymore since clearly they never take me seriously; I can't even take human society seriously anymore.  I consider my intelligence to be below average, and am deadly certain that everything prior bosses and instructors raved about in me was mere formality.  I no longer believe I have anything to offer the world.

In short, I no longer believe in myself.  I've become a haggard, useless, middle-aged woman who has long ago accepted her rightful place at the bottom of human society.

And that's what this job can do to you if you're not careful.

I'm not writing out of self-pity.  I'm writing to avenge myself, and because I hope this message will get through to the right people at the right time.

My final piece of advice is, Just don't be part of the problem, guys.  Avoid TEFL and ffs, if you happen to be a manager in a TEFL-oriented institute, or ever become one, think twice about what you're doing to people.  Not everyone in TEFL has the happiest of circumstances, as perhaps this blog is testament to.

Manager, please think twice before you turn on an employee who you think has done something wrong or give them a condescending lecture (I mean LISTEN to yourself)--it's just as likely you're a miserable arbitrary soulless little lapdog for exploitative powers.

And that is something even worse than what I've become.


(Backdated on 20 April 2017)

The Dark Time V: The Psychopath (29 Dec 2014)

It pains me to relate this story, but I believe this information may prove useful to an innocent party somewhere...


So I met this guy.  And believe me, I'm the most blatantly unattractive human being you could possibly find, so the fact that I found some guy automatically should have raised a red flag for me.

But I was too far gone, mired in depression at this point to actually care what the hell happened.  Perhaps that's why this unfolded to the degree that it did (though we're still talking a mere 24 hours here).

Well we went out for dinner together, and it went without a hitch.  It was a good dinner, despite the fact that he kept pressing me to eat more, which I couldn't do due to the stomach ulcer that had bothered me since 2011.

But that aside.  We agreed to meet up the next morning to go to Kyoto for the day to see the temples.  And that's where we went wrong.

It started with the guy telling me he'd read everything about me--my blogs, my Facebook page, all my profiles...ok um creepy, but you know, I put that stuff in the public realm.  It's there to be read, and could actually be interpreted as flattering that someone would even care to read it.  Eyebrows raised; no actions taken.

Then he started getting onto a topic of Japanese men who like preteens--he informed me this was some sort of power play.  To this day I have no idea if he was talking about himself, but in retrospect, it would have made a lot of sense.

He then starts in on my physical appearance...nothing extraordinary in and of itself as males have been making derogatory remarks about my physical appearance since I was in the 3rd grade.  In particular, a number of my Japanese students made snarky marks regarding my age, just another reminder that women aren't allowed to age.

And for some reason, this guy reads my mind, and starts asking about my health before dramatically adding his reasoning, "Because you look older than your age".  Which is, of course, The definitive red flag.  He kept insisting, "I'm worried for your health", but you--and I know--that this is the kind of thing emotional predators use to dominate weak, insecure women.

Sure, I was depressed, I hated (and still do hate) what time has done to my face, and I was suicidal all over the place...but I was not weak and insecure, and I was NOT going to be preyed upon by a Japanese psychopath 15 years older than me.

I simply said, "You're right, I'm sick...I don't feel good, I wanna go home."

His response to this was simply not to acknowledge me but get onto the freeway towards Kyoto.  (Believe me, I considered hurling myself out onto the shoulder of the road, but instead silently decided to slip away when I could and take a train home).

Of course, when we arrived (and we did arrive, he didn't haul me off to a field somewhere and cut out my ovaries or anything), he had to park the car...he told me to get out and walk and he'd pick me up later.  I started walking, and because this...thing...could read my mind, he asks me if I'm secretly going to the train station to go home.

I just told him the truth.  I said yes.

He reasonably asked me to get back in the car, saying we could maybe discuss our differences.  I should have refused, but I just got back in.  What was I supposed to do?

On the way, he added any number of other sick and creepy things, the most memorable of which were,

"You're insulting my hospitality" and
"But you don't know what I want you for".

Like, what??  What he wanted me for???

Well, let me just skip to the end and tell you how this shameful scenario ended.  We wound up in a restaurant...I was WAAAYYY the hell too distraught to even be able to eat anymore, so I just picked at whatever he gave me.

He started in with the, "You seem so depressed and that's why you're failing at life" spiel, then with the "You're insulting my hospitality" thing again.  I told him to his face, if I was insulting his hospitality, he had equally insulted me ten thousand times over making assholic comments about my appearance and demeanor.  (He of course denied this like the putrid demon spawn he was.)  "No, no, that's just a fact--you really do look quite old."  He really said that to me, and no doubt it is true, but to just say that to a woman you've just met.  To anyone you've met.

Guilt-tripping me mightily about my social skills (and I admit, I am susceptible to guilt-tripping that way, because I know I'm a socially-awkward encumbrance), he told me I had one last chance to "make it right" (despite the way he tried to vivisect someone who was already clearly down for the count and clearly didn't give two shits about that) hauled me to Starbucks, and then coerced me to buy something.

I kid you not, he coerced me.  He gave me a list of drinks and told me I had to buy one; I said I wanted tea instead (not to be difficult, just I literally didn't want a fancy drink), and he literally told me I "wasn't allowed".

I said, I don't want anything then (again not to be difficult).

He went ballistic then.  He started ranting at me inarticulately and stormed out of the Starbucks.  I yelled some sadly understated, ineffective comment after him ("You're a jerk!"), spat bitterly on the ground, and just thanked God I can shake out the assholes really easily.

I wasn't even the one who had to create the drama this time.

I didn't feel anything at the time--I was completely numb; I just unceremoniously went to the train station and went home.  As I recount this 2 years later, rage is coursing through my body.  I would like to pulverize this piece of human trash beyond recognition.  Castrate him, cut off his dick and shove it down his throat.

To this day, I still don't know what he wanted me for, but obviously it wasn't for purposes of sex or attraction.  I believe I wound up in the cross-hairs of an organ harvester to be honest--a misogynistic, hateful organ harvester who enjoys cat-and-mousing his prey before finishing them off.  I shudder to think of the other poor women he's crossed paths with, and their fate in his hands.

He is, unfortunately, the message I am taking away about Japanese men--arrogant domineering UTTERLY IRRESPONSIBLE manipulative psychopaths who should be fed radioactive sludge and made to publicly confess what Japan did in Korea and China before being brutalized and their wounds shat upon by every female in the country.

(And if you're reading this terrible excuse for an entry...if we ever cross paths irl, don't even THINK about using this against me.  I will smell your foul manipulation a mile away, and I will not take the passive stance I wrongly did the first time around.  Consider yourself warned.)


(Backdated on 20 April 2017)

The Dark Time IV: Final Proof I am a Horribly Self-Destructive Person (Sept 2015)

OK, so the tone of this article will be heavily biased because some little old man ruined my day this morning.

I don't know what it is about this place--possibly the accrued years and decades of social abuse and emotional repression--but there are a number of elderly people in this country who could best be described as "assholes".  Also, "bigots".

So I was walking down the street and this old guy comes rushing in my direction.  I actually shifted to the side and stood by, letting him pass, but was that good enough for him?  Oh no.  No, of course not.  He cursed me most evilly in his native language.  No idea what it was he was saying, but it was clearly abusive in nature.

And you know if one person says it, 80% of everyone else is thinking it.  Thus opening a mass of unending hatreds against humanity as a whole.  They are such jerks.  Bigots, racists, jerks.  Selfish, greedy monsters.  I could go on.  All the anger I spent the last year trying to repress has re-opened.  I am NOT in a good mood.  But I digress.



So I managed to break the screen of my computer several weeks ago.  Just the screen.

This computer was a throwaway $150 piece of shit anyway, but it's got my private journal, some artwork, and any number of creative works on it.  Another one gone.

So I took it to the repair shop today, and it's going to cost the equivalent of $400 to get the screen fixed.  Which is about as much money as I earned last month because I have no job security and I'm not likeable enough to get a lot of students (yes, really).  I didn't have the power cord, so I couldn't do anything about it anyway.

Might not be much of a problem, except--and I have no idea how this happened--I somehow managed to throw away my old wallet, which had my credit card, my bank card, and about $1000 worth of cash for the upcoming month.  Right after I got back from Cambodia.

No, I don't know what happened.  No one stole it.  It was with all my stuff; I think I must have put it in one of the multitudes of plastic bags they give you for every single purchase ever in this country...forgotten about it...and assumed it was trash.  A good argument against plastic bags, though I'm pretty sure you just think I'm an idiot.  Fine, I am.

You know what else?  I'm hopelessly self-destructive.  Everything I touch turns to dust and ruin; I'm some sort of "counter"-success, the "example" God puts on this earth to warn everyone.

Don't even tell me "It could be worse" because, goddamn it, I know.  I'm like...struggling for ANYTHING positive to say in this blog anymore...I'm not being "biased against the good in my life" or anything...and I am frankly stumped.  Illness, robbery, neglect, loneliness, depression, and a whole host of other things over the last year I'm trying to update (except my computer).  These entries will involve (among other things) a sociopath, a major depressive crisis, extremely judgemental people at work, and a crap roommate.

The most positive things I could possibly say revolve around the fact that there's candy at the convenience stores...no that's not a delusion, I've held off for months just trying to spin this in a remotely positive manner so I don't have to deal with more abuse from stupid people bitching about how I'm "too negative"...AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I'M COMPLAINING.  YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I HAVE ENDURED OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS, SO SHUT UP!  Just shut your fucking mouths.

Also my dad is probably dying of pancreatic cancer but NO ONE IN MY FAMILY CAN BE BOTHERED TO KEEP ME UPDATED.  So if you guys are reading this, you're shit heads.

I'd like to get out of here, but alas.  I have no means to do so anymore and no better career to run to.  Probably I'm psychiatrically incapable of even holding down a regular job at this stage.  I'm not cute and young anymore, so no one will save me (actually, they've been quick to point out exactly how undesirable my age makes me)...it's bad, it's only gonna get worse, and that is my life.  It is utter fucking garbage.  I can tell you, life has pulled me into an undertow, and I'm not sure I'm getting out alive anymore.

I'll update the rest so at least you know why and will see I'm not just being unreasonable.  Of course, you'll tell me I'm being "over dramatic" or "too sensitive" or something.  That's cause you're sitting there in a first world country without a care in the world.  I very seriously say, you may not hear from me again beyond what I am about to tell you.


(Backdated from September 2015, on 20 April 2017)