Well, it's been, what, a year since I updated?
Sorry.
I'm still in Japan. Dealing with moments even bleaker, impossibly enough, than they ever were in Cambodia--and in retrospect, I have no idea how I even survived that.
My time in Japan has been interesting, I assure you, though it seemed more like a boring drudge at the time.
So far, it's included:
- Utter humiliation at work, multiple times over
- A major depressive crisis
- A very painful Japanese class
- A cringe-inducing run-in with a legit psychopath
- An amorous stalker
- Absurd amounts of McDonalds
- Unfair dismissal
Sorry if this sounds like the cover of a Lemony Snicket book.
The other 99% of my time was spent locked in my room staring at the walls, just watching the time slip away...for a year. So whatever stories I write to make it sound like an epic adventure, I consider this year lost. Utterly lost, just like the 4 that came before it.
I will be staying another year, dreadfully enough, and I will be updating my backlog shortly.
--
So about the job itself. I'll make no bones: INCREDIBLY disappointing.
The main thing that keeps getting to me is that I'm here in a foreign country. I can't speak the language, I can't even read the signs. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm far from my family. I have no friends, I'm alone, and I'm am, in all reality, incredibly vulnerable--a penniless foreigner in a closed community.
So of course the company I'm working for doesn't arrange accommodation, doesn't show me to the visa office (they expected me to just go in and register of my own accord, because I totally am capable of asking around), doesn't front any money (so I'm stuck eating a cup of ramen once per day, and that's it). Asking one's superiors gets a response of "I can't help you with everything!"
The idea is that I am "independent" and therefore I am here on my own terms so I have complete freedom and flexibility...except that I still get in trouble for being late (which here means, "not early"), I still get yelled at if I get a negative review, I can't cancel classes without a supervisor's consent, I still have to follow the "dress code" which even students think is retarded...I could go on.
Additionally, they sponsor my visa. So obviously I am completely beholden to the company.
It's marketed as "adventure", but basically, it's a slimy way of them refusing to take responsibility or trouble themselves with foreigners. A form of exploitation, and an example of the crass callousness that mankind really is. Even the Chinese weren't this bad. They realized I was far from home, and even if accommodations were basic (and in my case, utilities unpaid), it was a good-faith effort.
Now I knew this coming in. I knew it, I resented it, but I told myself it was better than slowly being psychologically pulled under in Cambodia. It probably still is...but Oh, how I resent it.
And the money.
I was promised I'd be making about $2500 per month. I've been lucky to make half of that. So I've been starving and living in a dorm room, just trying to save money, since of course that was the object of coming here to begin with. I haven't had the money to do anything of interest around the country, or the city. Just sit at home and stare at the walls.
It's basically a popularity contest, getting people to take your classes (they register for your classes)--and I'm so anti-charismatic that of course, I lose business. For months, I was so hungry from not being adequately cared for, that I was just plain crabby, thus making the non-popularity even worse. A self-perpetuating spiral.
I've spent 12 hours a day, 6 days a week just sitting around, hoping someone would show up. I literally sat on my butt so long, my rectum started destroying itself. The mile I ran when I first came here is now an impossibility; I've atrophied in ways that are quite sad (this coming ON TOP of 3 years of illness). I can't even clean my room without my muscles getting sore. I'm getting as soft and useless as the rest of the population.
So as it now stands,
- I've spent more money coming here than I've earned
- I haven't been able to do what I came here for
- I can't afford any form of distraction
- I can't respect my employers
- I'm completely out of fitness
Why do I stay, you ask?
I'm a prisoner. A financial prisoner; and the only place I have left to go back to is my beloved, hated Cambodia, where all my bad Karma was burned off and which threatens to utterly destroy me if I return for any length of time. And I'm STILL earning more here per month than I ever did there.
I haven't managed to think of anything that I'd "rather" do in an entire year, and I no longer trust myself to make a beneficial decision. See the blog title, "BAD CHOICES"? Exactly. Everything I've done since the age of 26, while gloriously adventurous, was ultimately self-destructive. I've brought myself down through my own ambitions and dreams. I'm a failure. I'm a NAPOLEONIC failure, and I may as well resign myself to my little island.
That's why I stay.
Sorry.
I'm still in Japan. Dealing with moments even bleaker, impossibly enough, than they ever were in Cambodia--and in retrospect, I have no idea how I even survived that.
My time in Japan has been interesting, I assure you, though it seemed more like a boring drudge at the time.
So far, it's included:
- Utter humiliation at work, multiple times over
- A major depressive crisis
- A very painful Japanese class
- A cringe-inducing run-in with a legit psychopath
- An amorous stalker
- Absurd amounts of McDonalds
- Unfair dismissal
Sorry if this sounds like the cover of a Lemony Snicket book.
The other 99% of my time was spent locked in my room staring at the walls, just watching the time slip away...for a year. So whatever stories I write to make it sound like an epic adventure, I consider this year lost. Utterly lost, just like the 4 that came before it.
I will be staying another year, dreadfully enough, and I will be updating my backlog shortly.
--
So about the job itself. I'll make no bones: INCREDIBLY disappointing.
The main thing that keeps getting to me is that I'm here in a foreign country. I can't speak the language, I can't even read the signs. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm far from my family. I have no friends, I'm alone, and I'm am, in all reality, incredibly vulnerable--a penniless foreigner in a closed community.
So of course the company I'm working for doesn't arrange accommodation, doesn't show me to the visa office (they expected me to just go in and register of my own accord, because I totally am capable of asking around), doesn't front any money (so I'm stuck eating a cup of ramen once per day, and that's it). Asking one's superiors gets a response of "I can't help you with everything!"
The idea is that I am "independent" and therefore I am here on my own terms so I have complete freedom and flexibility...except that I still get in trouble for being late (which here means, "not early"), I still get yelled at if I get a negative review, I can't cancel classes without a supervisor's consent, I still have to follow the "dress code" which even students think is retarded...I could go on.
Additionally, they sponsor my visa. So obviously I am completely beholden to the company.
It's marketed as "adventure", but basically, it's a slimy way of them refusing to take responsibility or trouble themselves with foreigners. A form of exploitation, and an example of the crass callousness that mankind really is. Even the Chinese weren't this bad. They realized I was far from home, and even if accommodations were basic (and in my case, utilities unpaid), it was a good-faith effort.
Now I knew this coming in. I knew it, I resented it, but I told myself it was better than slowly being psychologically pulled under in Cambodia. It probably still is...but Oh, how I resent it.
And the money.
I was promised I'd be making about $2500 per month. I've been lucky to make half of that. So I've been starving and living in a dorm room, just trying to save money, since of course that was the object of coming here to begin with. I haven't had the money to do anything of interest around the country, or the city. Just sit at home and stare at the walls.
It's basically a popularity contest, getting people to take your classes (they register for your classes)--and I'm so anti-charismatic that of course, I lose business. For months, I was so hungry from not being adequately cared for, that I was just plain crabby, thus making the non-popularity even worse. A self-perpetuating spiral.
I've spent 12 hours a day, 6 days a week just sitting around, hoping someone would show up. I literally sat on my butt so long, my rectum started destroying itself. The mile I ran when I first came here is now an impossibility; I've atrophied in ways that are quite sad (this coming ON TOP of 3 years of illness). I can't even clean my room without my muscles getting sore. I'm getting as soft and useless as the rest of the population.
So as it now stands,
- I've spent more money coming here than I've earned
- I haven't been able to do what I came here for
- I can't afford any form of distraction
- I can't respect my employers
- I'm completely out of fitness
Why do I stay, you ask?
I'm a prisoner. A financial prisoner; and the only place I have left to go back to is my beloved, hated Cambodia, where all my bad Karma was burned off and which threatens to utterly destroy me if I return for any length of time. And I'm STILL earning more here per month than I ever did there.
I haven't managed to think of anything that I'd "rather" do in an entire year, and I no longer trust myself to make a beneficial decision. See the blog title, "BAD CHOICES"? Exactly. Everything I've done since the age of 26, while gloriously adventurous, was ultimately self-destructive. I've brought myself down through my own ambitions and dreams. I'm a failure. I'm a NAPOLEONIC failure, and I may as well resign myself to my little island.
That's why I stay.
(Backdated from June 2015, on 20 April 2017)
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