Because I find it sickening how some people treated me during this time in my life, in this entry I will lambaste them. Alas, the people who read this are likely not the ones who most need to hear it, and those who need to hear it will never stumble across this page.
Still, I will have my say.
Here's what not to do to a clinically depressed person:
- Don't ignore the person, imagining that "it's nothing" and that they're "being dramatic". Actually, people need support during this time. And unless you've experienced the pain that comes with it, you have no real reason to belittle someone for trying to express it through words, ranting, rage, confusion, withdrawnness, a bad attitude, or just locking oneself into the toilet and sobbing for 5 hours running.
- Remember, they are experiencing a backlog of unprocessable pain, sometimes that has been building up for years. Sometimes extreme fiery outbursts, sobbing for hours, or rolling into an immobile ball for 3 days is simply the only way to discharge it. No, they're not deliberately seeking attention or trying to make life difficult for you, not anymore than someone who throws up all over your floor because unprocessable bacteria have been building up in their gut for days and this is the only way to discharge it.
- Don't tell them they'll feel better tomorrow. Especially if they express suicidal intentions. They will NOT feel better tomorrow, they will NOT "get over it" any time soon, and such cavalier treatment is the quick way to permanently end a relationship, if not a life.
- Don't criticize their physical appearance. You know, it's hard enough getting out of bed to do your bidding for the next 12 hours (especially when you're the person who set the damn episode off to begin with). Let alone constantly being on top of the reflection in the mirror I now despise...because you think I need more makeup.
- Likewise, don't rag on Depressed Person about hygiene. Sometimes it's hard to wash your hair every day when a cosmic battle between hope and annihilation is being waged daily, with your soul hanging in the balance. If you think I smell bad, I think you're rude as fuck and lacking in character and fortitude.
- Don't refer to how you were "depressed in high school". Wasn't everyone just. I sure was. I hated my classmates, had no friends, was a gamer, etc etc. And no, it's not the same thing as having a depressive episode. It's NOT. NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!!!
When you're "depressed in high school", you're unhappy with the status quo, but usually this is a mood. A place you sometimes inhabit because, after all, high school is an incredibly depressing place to be.
When you're clinically depressed, you can't escape the mental and emotional agony. At any time. Any attempt at positive thinking, imagining a better future, etc, is ripped out of your head by the swirling vortex of despair your brain has come. Any attempt to "get out and do something" is robbed from you by your mind and body's joint effort to bleed out any vitality you might once have had. It seeps into your dreams, poisons the image you see in the mirror, takes hold of your psyche and crushes it, laughing as the blood seeps onto the floor.
I sure never went through shit like that in high school, and I'm willing to bet that, because of your attitude, neither did you. It's a toxic black hole that you, the All-Knowing Advice-Giver, will hopefully be subject to one day yourself so that you may be forced to eat the abuses you so unthinkingly bestowed upon others.
- Don't lecture me about Moral Uplift, Positive Thinking, How to Solve my Problems, or anything else about me you think you know. Just don't. Unless you want me to lecture you about Degradation, Negative Thinking, And How to Ruin your Life Like Me. You don't want to hear that right? That's an unpleasant imposition, right? Exactly. You LET THE PERSON EXPERIENCE HOW THEY ARE, without insulting them by demanding change when they're in the throes of emotional agony.
- If you're on an anonymous, psychologically-oriented forum, don't be surprised if people open up about this stuff. Don't act like you're being burdened by listening to it when you solicit further information, and for fuck sake, don't tell the depressed person to get over themselves. THIS MIGHT BE THEIR ONLY WAY OF DISCHARGING A BACKLOG OF UNPROCESSABLE GRIEF. If you can't handle it, a) stop asking questions, and b) get off the goddamn psychology forum. You don't belong there. Go build yourself a pillow fort of the same self-pity you keep accusing me of.
- Don't tell me about starving kids in Africa, Syrian refugees, people with cancer, or whatever. I know they're keeping a positive attitude and are morally superior to me. I know I'm weak for breaking under the sheer agony of existence. I know I'm an ungrateful little shit too self-absorbed by her own problems to acknowledge that literally everyone in the world has it far worse than I do. I KNOW! And your reminding me of it is just one more confirmation of why I should indeed loathe myself and complete the suicide I am ideating every waking hour.
- Stop acting so fucking superior. God told you you are your brother's motherfucking keeper, and all you can do is cause more pain. So much for all your moral platitudes, asshole. If you think I'm dragging you down, then I can say with equal certainty, you're beating someone into the earth who was already down. FAIL. Newsflash, You are inferior.
- You don't know everything about life, and plenty of the things you think are helpful seriously aren't. YOU are making the world a worse place when you come in, reeking of incompetence and inexperience, and pretend that you have all the answers. If you know you're out of your league, just SERIOUSLY send love and back the fuck off.
Depression shows you what human nature is really all about, just like children prostituting themselves to you in South East Asia and merchants ripping your white ass off at every turn. I know a lot of things about people by now. Why don't you, O Great Ones Who Know The Answer to All My Problems? Can it be because you're living your comfortable life in a developed nation with food and social security all around you? Can it be because you never chanced it, you never ventured forth into the world, and you never risked leaving it all behind? And I did those things, and now I have harsh lessons that you'll never learn, and yet you're STILL going to judge me from your comfy little sofa without so much as walking one one-HUNDredth of a mile in my shoes? Can that be it? I think so. You are ignorant, so I will teach you: The number one rule is, Treat people with respect. And it seems like many people don't know thing one about that, even those with a decent enough upbringing that they really should.
One thing I will say for a depressive episode is, it sure makes it clear who your real friends are, who you can count on, who's worth befriending, and who actually loves you: NO ONE. Especially not the utter human refuse who made this entry possible.
Still, I will have my say.
Here's what not to do to a clinically depressed person:
- Don't ignore the person, imagining that "it's nothing" and that they're "being dramatic". Actually, people need support during this time. And unless you've experienced the pain that comes with it, you have no real reason to belittle someone for trying to express it through words, ranting, rage, confusion, withdrawnness, a bad attitude, or just locking oneself into the toilet and sobbing for 5 hours running.
- Remember, they are experiencing a backlog of unprocessable pain, sometimes that has been building up for years. Sometimes extreme fiery outbursts, sobbing for hours, or rolling into an immobile ball for 3 days is simply the only way to discharge it. No, they're not deliberately seeking attention or trying to make life difficult for you, not anymore than someone who throws up all over your floor because unprocessable bacteria have been building up in their gut for days and this is the only way to discharge it.
- Don't tell them they'll feel better tomorrow. Especially if they express suicidal intentions. They will NOT feel better tomorrow, they will NOT "get over it" any time soon, and such cavalier treatment is the quick way to permanently end a relationship, if not a life.
- Don't criticize their physical appearance. You know, it's hard enough getting out of bed to do your bidding for the next 12 hours (especially when you're the person who set the damn episode off to begin with). Let alone constantly being on top of the reflection in the mirror I now despise...because you think I need more makeup.
- Likewise, don't rag on Depressed Person about hygiene. Sometimes it's hard to wash your hair every day when a cosmic battle between hope and annihilation is being waged daily, with your soul hanging in the balance. If you think I smell bad, I think you're rude as fuck and lacking in character and fortitude.
- Don't refer to how you were "depressed in high school". Wasn't everyone just. I sure was. I hated my classmates, had no friends, was a gamer, etc etc. And no, it's not the same thing as having a depressive episode. It's NOT. NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!!!
When you're "depressed in high school", you're unhappy with the status quo, but usually this is a mood. A place you sometimes inhabit because, after all, high school is an incredibly depressing place to be.
When you're clinically depressed, you can't escape the mental and emotional agony. At any time. Any attempt at positive thinking, imagining a better future, etc, is ripped out of your head by the swirling vortex of despair your brain has come. Any attempt to "get out and do something" is robbed from you by your mind and body's joint effort to bleed out any vitality you might once have had. It seeps into your dreams, poisons the image you see in the mirror, takes hold of your psyche and crushes it, laughing as the blood seeps onto the floor.
I sure never went through shit like that in high school, and I'm willing to bet that, because of your attitude, neither did you. It's a toxic black hole that you, the All-Knowing Advice-Giver, will hopefully be subject to one day yourself so that you may be forced to eat the abuses you so unthinkingly bestowed upon others.
- Don't lecture me about Moral Uplift, Positive Thinking, How to Solve my Problems, or anything else about me you think you know. Just don't. Unless you want me to lecture you about Degradation, Negative Thinking, And How to Ruin your Life Like Me. You don't want to hear that right? That's an unpleasant imposition, right? Exactly. You LET THE PERSON EXPERIENCE HOW THEY ARE, without insulting them by demanding change when they're in the throes of emotional agony.
- If you're on an anonymous, psychologically-oriented forum, don't be surprised if people open up about this stuff. Don't act like you're being burdened by listening to it when you solicit further information, and for fuck sake, don't tell the depressed person to get over themselves. THIS MIGHT BE THEIR ONLY WAY OF DISCHARGING A BACKLOG OF UNPROCESSABLE GRIEF. If you can't handle it, a) stop asking questions, and b) get off the goddamn psychology forum. You don't belong there. Go build yourself a pillow fort of the same self-pity you keep accusing me of.
- Don't tell me about starving kids in Africa, Syrian refugees, people with cancer, or whatever. I know they're keeping a positive attitude and are morally superior to me. I know I'm weak for breaking under the sheer agony of existence. I know I'm an ungrateful little shit too self-absorbed by her own problems to acknowledge that literally everyone in the world has it far worse than I do. I KNOW! And your reminding me of it is just one more confirmation of why I should indeed loathe myself and complete the suicide I am ideating every waking hour.
- Stop acting so fucking superior. God told you you are your brother's motherfucking keeper, and all you can do is cause more pain. So much for all your moral platitudes, asshole. If you think I'm dragging you down, then I can say with equal certainty, you're beating someone into the earth who was already down. FAIL. Newsflash, You are inferior.
- You don't know everything about life, and plenty of the things you think are helpful seriously aren't. YOU are making the world a worse place when you come in, reeking of incompetence and inexperience, and pretend that you have all the answers. If you know you're out of your league, just SERIOUSLY send love and back the fuck off.
Depression shows you what human nature is really all about, just like children prostituting themselves to you in South East Asia and merchants ripping your white ass off at every turn. I know a lot of things about people by now. Why don't you, O Great Ones Who Know The Answer to All My Problems? Can it be because you're living your comfortable life in a developed nation with food and social security all around you? Can it be because you never chanced it, you never ventured forth into the world, and you never risked leaving it all behind? And I did those things, and now I have harsh lessons that you'll never learn, and yet you're STILL going to judge me from your comfy little sofa without so much as walking one one-HUNDredth of a mile in my shoes? Can that be it? I think so. You are ignorant, so I will teach you: The number one rule is, Treat people with respect. And it seems like many people don't know thing one about that, even those with a decent enough upbringing that they really should.
One thing I will say for a depressive episode is, it sure makes it clear who your real friends are, who you can count on, who's worth befriending, and who actually loves you: NO ONE. Especially not the utter human refuse who made this entry possible.
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